Nigerian Red Carpet Rules!

Posted: August 20, 2009 in 2 the X-treme
Short, sweet and simple...a red carpet winner

Short, sweet and simple...a red carpet winner

Jayne Usen

Photos by Hyacinth Iyereosa

Nasty captions by Somebody Else (Who is now in hiding from stilettoed terrorists)

It is always a fight to the finish at major Lagos shindigs. If you are not strong enough you’ll be permanently face-down in shame, since everyone is in a battle to outweigh or outdo one another – Guys and babes, mamas and papas inclusive.

From the ladies who have mastered that art of plastering their faces with MAC and artificial lashes long enough to chook (pardon my razz English) the eyes of anyone who stares at them, walking on stiletto heels as though they don’t fart, to guys with well starched shirts whose collars are as sharp as blades, everyone definitely wants to be noticed.

So if you do not really know how to get noticed at parties and constantly want to find a place in This Day Style’s “Who wore it best” section or Elan Uncovered, we have outlined these simple guidelines for your enjoyment (and tutelage):

Tip 1: Getting Started

An average party goer in Lagos will agree that you do not just wake up on the day of a party and just set off. In fact, for the ladies it takes weeks of prepping and constructing styles for the approaching owambe, which will ensure that your tailor gets a lot of customers.

There isn't much actual dress here so we are guessing that Omawumi's tailor didn't take to long on this outfit

There isn't much actual dress here so we are guessing that Omawumi's tailor didn't take to long on this outfit

On the D-Day, you have to alight from a cab or car (not a ride) in an orchestrated manner, one step at a time, with your best foot forward – showing off your Jimmy Choo shoes – You know, to show how ‘tush’ you are.

Best foot forward...although those might not be Choos...

Best foot forward...although those might not be Choos...

As paparazzi click away make sure to strike a killer pose and smile. It is advised that you practice a few times in front of the mirror, or how else do you think certain celebrities have the same smile in every picture.

This guest has perfected her pout - Victoria Beckham would be jealous

This guest has perfected her pout - Victoria Beckham would be jealous

Superstar smile. Check. Killer outfit. Check. Car keys strategically dangling. Check

Superstar smile. Check. Killer outfit. Check. Car keys strategically dangling. Check

Now apart from just posing for a picture, you also have to display or announce your status, whether borrowed or real with … aha wait for it, your car keys! Whether you agree or not, the type of car you drive in Lagos, tells just how loaded you are. So if for example you are like me, carless, then you will understand what questions like “where did you park?” or “how did you come?” make you feel. You don’t want to place a sticker at your back screaming I have got a car or I drive a Honda Element bla bla bla, let your car keys do the talking shi ke nan!

Tip 2: The Escort

Apart from the red carpet stride and car keys, it is also very important that you go along with a handsome date (decked in designer suits and obligatory glasses) which of course will add to your rep.  Ditto for the babe.

DO bring a friend to pose as a date...although her disguise might not exactly work...

DO bring a friend to pose as a date...although her disguise might not exactly work...

Then finally, your phone: If it’s a blackberry, which is the in thing now, then you are on track. You have to constantly pretend to answer a phone call so people can notice you. Oh, did I forget to add earlier that the phone should be placed close to your ear, when you are posing on the red carpet. You know you have to constantly form I am busy.

"Call me back, I'm on the SMVA Red Carpet"

"Call me back, I'm on the SMVA Red Carpet"

TIP 3: Haute Couture

Your dress or gown should be as revealing as possible. In fact, the more revealing it is, the most likely it is that you will grace the cover of the next edition of Encomium or City People magazine. But a little warning – you may find yourself on trial in the on the Sun newspaper’s Fashion Court. Do not say I didn’t warn you!  For the sistas who don’t care, ensure that the cleavage is sharp enough to make the Pope blink and low enough to show how fresh the skin is (if you aren’t light enough you can bleach your boobs a little, you know fair is beautiful in Lagos). If you are not busty, a padded or Wonderbra will do the magic.

Exhibit A

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit B

If your gown has got a slit then it must be sexy enough.  If you are brave enough to pull a Donatella (a la Versace, dahlink!), it should stop at your hips. It also has to be tight enough, to reveal your panty lines or your contours (although ladies, VPL is a big no-no. Go commando instead and everyone will wonder whether you actually have any underwear on – Naughty, naughty!) At this point I have to add that if you are well endowed, and I mean up and down, then you will smile home with a lot of business cards and phone numbers.

For the guys, your call card will definitely do the talking for you so brandish it as much as you can. Say little; especially if you are in a group, but drop a line occasionally (a killer line) that will get people noticing you.

So now you have got it, I hope with this few points of mine I have been able to convince (and not confuse) you that being a red carpet favourite is as simple as 123.

ROTFLMAO

Stepping Out

Mojo steps out

Mojo steps out

Strike-A-Pose

Isio, Grecian goddess

Isio, Grecian goddess

Practice makes perfect people!

Practice makes perfect, people!

Bouqui thought she was attending the 'Lady In Red Valentine's Day Special'

Bouqui thought she was attending the 'Lady In Red Valentine's Day Special'

The Makeup

If Memoirs of a Geisha is not the makeup inspiration, ensure to blend in your foundation till it's quite invisible. It's a cover up not a mask

If Memoirs of a Geisha is not the makeup inspiration, ensure to blend in your foundation till it's quite invisible. It's a cover up not a mask

Car Keys, Must-Have Accessories

Flashing...car keys are a red carpet must. Aggressive teeth-baring optional

Flashing...car keys are a red carpet must. Aggressive teeth-baring optional

The Date

A wide selection of eligible gentlemen to escort you to your red carpet function, whether or not you are VIP

A wide selection of eligible gentlemen to escort you to your red carpet function, whether or not you are VIP

Noble always looks sharp

Noble always looks sharp

Some more Lagos fine boys, shrap dressers, whatever you want to call them...

Some more Lagos fine boys, sharp dressers, whatever you want to call them...

Ooh! Another one!

Ooh! Another one!

X2 really likes men in pink

DO coordinate with your date. It's so cute!

DO coordinate with your date. It's so cute!

There are many things going on in this picture: First, Hot Mama is looking fine! We love the daring thigh high slit. But there's also the date. Junior looks like he doesn't want his friends (who all think is mom is fine) to see him getting papped with his MOTHER! Especially after he told them he was going with a hot, older girl from their rival school... Ok, I made that up...Let's get back to the slit...it leads us to that next VIP issue: The Outfit

There are many things going on in this picture: First, Hot Mama is looking fine! We love the daring thigh high slit. But there's also the date. Junior looks like he doesn't want his friends (who all think is mom is fine) to see him getting papped with his MOTHER! Especially after he told them he was going with a hot, older girl from their rival school... Ok, I made that up...Let's get back to the slit...it leads us to that next VIP issue: The Outfit

The Outfit

This is a lovely dress. I really love it. So sweet and floral. But for a red carpet event...I'm thinking maybe not...

This is a lovely dress. I really love it. So sweet and floral. But for a red carpet event...I'm thinking maybe not...

So our sista here definitely took notes in Matching Accessories 101. You can see here that she paired black/white dress with red shoes. 30 points. But that plastic carrier bag does not makes a poor replacement for a Chanel purse. Big No No. We do not care how busy you had been all day or that you were not meant to attend this event or that you came straight from church! This is a red varpet lady! Meanwhile, I think I had a dress like this when I was a little girl - in red and white. I begged my (fashion forward) daddy for a cheap plastic handbag to match it and he totally ignored me. I'm grateful for that lesson. Thanks Daddy!

So our sista here definitely took notes in Matching Accessories 101. You can see here that she paired black/white dress with red shoes. 30 points. But that plastic carrier bag does not makes a poor replacement for a Chanel purse. Big No No. We do not care how busy you had been all day or that you were not meant to attend this event or that you came straight from church! This is a red carpet lady! Meanwhile, I think I had a dress like this when I was a little girl - in red and white. I begged my (fashion forward) daddy for a cheap plastic handbag to match it and he totally ignored me. I'm grateful for that lesson. Thanks Daddy!

See? No VPL (Visible Pantie Lines FYI)

See? No VPL (Visible Pantie Lines FYI)

Naughty naughty!

Naughty naughty!

Nothing says "I dressed up tonight" like bling, pearls, a floor-length gown and a tiara.

Nothing says "I dressed up tonight" like bling, pearls, a floor-length gown and a tiara.

Totally Random Link – This had me laughing so hard I was crying!

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